Let the Midnight Special Shine a Light on Me...
Another 16 hour day... Yay me...
But, at least I'm here all alone tonight. I really need the space tonight. I don't think I could stand having any the other inmates here tonight. This week has really blown the ol' skin flute, if you know what I mean...
Oh well, I'm off for 2 days after tonight. Hopefully I'll get off my lazy ass and do some productive things with the time off. Like clean my apartment, throw away things I don't use, or need anymore... God forbid I go to the gym and actually exercise...
We'll see...
The day after Christmas I got a voicemail from my ex-girlfriend. She's the one I ended things with way back in April of 2007. I didn't respond to the message or return the call. I'm so over this flaky "appear into your life via telephone every couple of months" shit.... Truly fucking over it...
Since then I've been getting calls that I'm pretty sure are from the hospital she works at every other day or so. I never answer the calls, and no further messages have been left. But I'm pissed off about the whole thing. It's been almost a year, and I'm fucking done with this Pop Goes the Weasel stuff. I'm done with it.
There is absolutely no reason to call each other. I tried the "friend" thing with her and she flaked out on me twice. I also realized that it just pulled the "scab" off the feelings of loss, and sadness that it would never work out between us every time we spoke to each other. Trust me, I have zero desire to rekindle any relationship, or attempt to resurrect what we had. I just don't see the point in staying in contact with each other. No good will come of it.
I feel like it's going to take me getting ugly with her, for her to go away. I've tried the "have a nice life", route and apparently it doesn't sink in.
Anyway, enough of that crap.... Bad energy there... Stepping away from it....
I didn't make any new years resolutions before 2008 got here. I tend to think that they are silly promises that people make that they never fully follow through on. But, the last week has made me take a self assessment and I'm not pleased with the results I've found...
I'm realizing that I need to quit sitting around like I'm waiting for lightning to strike me. All around me I see people living their lives, keeping on keepin' on, and moving forward.. I, on the other hand, here I am sitting like a bump on a log, lamenting my life all the time. What the hell is that all about?
That needs to stop. Now! It serves zero purpose whatsoever.. Goddamn... It makes me feel like I'm just wasting away. It amazes me that I do this to myself week after week, month after month. I'm sick of this feeling that I'm allowing life to pass me by, willingly.
I realized that a lot of people would be quite happy with the things I've got, and yet I sit around feeling sorry for myself all the time in a self imposed exile. Something is gonna change here, and soon.
So, life marches on......
But, at least I'm here all alone tonight. I really need the space tonight. I don't think I could stand having any the other inmates here tonight. This week has really blown the ol' skin flute, if you know what I mean...
Oh well, I'm off for 2 days after tonight. Hopefully I'll get off my lazy ass and do some productive things with the time off. Like clean my apartment, throw away things I don't use, or need anymore... God forbid I go to the gym and actually exercise...
We'll see...
The day after Christmas I got a voicemail from my ex-girlfriend. She's the one I ended things with way back in April of 2007. I didn't respond to the message or return the call. I'm so over this flaky "appear into your life via telephone every couple of months" shit.... Truly fucking over it...
Since then I've been getting calls that I'm pretty sure are from the hospital she works at every other day or so. I never answer the calls, and no further messages have been left. But I'm pissed off about the whole thing. It's been almost a year, and I'm fucking done with this Pop Goes the Weasel stuff. I'm done with it.
There is absolutely no reason to call each other. I tried the "friend" thing with her and she flaked out on me twice. I also realized that it just pulled the "scab" off the feelings of loss, and sadness that it would never work out between us every time we spoke to each other. Trust me, I have zero desire to rekindle any relationship, or attempt to resurrect what we had. I just don't see the point in staying in contact with each other. No good will come of it.
I feel like it's going to take me getting ugly with her, for her to go away. I've tried the "have a nice life", route and apparently it doesn't sink in.
Anyway, enough of that crap.... Bad energy there... Stepping away from it....
I didn't make any new years resolutions before 2008 got here. I tend to think that they are silly promises that people make that they never fully follow through on. But, the last week has made me take a self assessment and I'm not pleased with the results I've found...
I'm realizing that I need to quit sitting around like I'm waiting for lightning to strike me. All around me I see people living their lives, keeping on keepin' on, and moving forward.. I, on the other hand, here I am sitting like a bump on a log, lamenting my life all the time. What the hell is that all about?
That needs to stop. Now! It serves zero purpose whatsoever.. Goddamn... It makes me feel like I'm just wasting away. It amazes me that I do this to myself week after week, month after month. I'm sick of this feeling that I'm allowing life to pass me by, willingly.
I realized that a lot of people would be quite happy with the things I've got, and yet I sit around feeling sorry for myself all the time in a self imposed exile. Something is gonna change here, and soon.
So, life marches on......
Comments
You invaded my dreams last night. I can't even describe you because I have no idea what you look like but you were Windrider. Funny.
I completely agree with you regarding your ex. I can't say that any of my ex's and I have a good relationship except one, and that is perhaps because we only hooked up for sex and that was mutually understood. But we're also not "best friends" now...but I don't feel the malice. That was just what we needed when we needed it, no huge emotional committment, but were already friends and just...gee, I don't know, let it chill. No jealousy, no nothing. Rare. But no, I don't think that when there was a huge emotional committment broken in an actual relationship that it is healthy to keep trying to make friendship work out of the deal. Your analogy of just picking off the scab is perfect; it just brings that raw feeling back to the surface and healing has to start over again.
Regarding Life:
Ha. Like I have a place to give advice. But if there is anything that I have learned in the course of the past days and weeks, it is that I need to get out and start to meet people, and not live my life waiting... With children, fortunately, come some opportunities, and now I need to jump and take them. Like the PTA ice skating date I'm taking my daughter to on Saturday night. Meeting new people takes so much energy now for me, but I have her and she has me and I need to teach her not to be a recluse. That's my responsibility, and I must do so by example because words mean nothing when not bolstered by actions.
And, as you have advised, taking steps toward divorce.
And going to get myself that massage, or that facial, or that pedicure, and to stop feeling like I don't deserve it once in a while.
And getting that vibrator so I can at least get some pleasure out of it all. May mean living in the past, but at least I can have a release that I think I need.
And starting to more aggessively advertise my business, not just depending on Craigslist.
And finding myself a gay dance partner so I can go out dancing once in a while with no further expectations.
Yeah, right. All would be nice to "resolve" to do. Point is, you are NOT alone in the feeling that you are just wasting away. Limbo sucks, and I feel like I've been in limbo for so many years that I don't know how to stop playing.
Enjoy your time off. I need to get to the gym, too--hopefully tomorrow morning. That always does me some good.
Get out, go unite with nature and take some Windrider-time. Nature is very, very wise and she can come through with some really amazing guidance when you reach that clarity.
And follow your heart.
Be well, Windrider.
something like that.
i can relate.
i've just entered that holding pattern phase i think, and right now i'm good with it. it allows for some mental and emotion glide along time. But yes, i'd go batshit if it went on and on and i couldn't snap myself out of it and jump on the rollercoaster again.
if you ever need hints on how to get in trouble and stir up some excitement - give me a shout. I'll send you a five-step plan. ~grin~
Princesa,
I invaded your dreams last night?! How naughty of me!
I really should be more polite while doing my Astral Projection excercises. My apologies.. I hope I was a gentleman. And if I wasn't, I hope I was spectacular!
The ex issue is one that has bothered me for some time now. meaning, the disappearing for months and then calling to wish me a happy holiday, or whatever bullshit excuse she uses at the time. I told her the last time she pulled this, that the calling every 2-3 months wasn't something I wanted or needed and that it needed to stop.
The fact that she is continuing to do it is disrespectful, and just makes me angry. I'm over the "tender heartache" feelings that I used to have when she would call. It really sent me into a tailspin the first time it happened, and it brought back all the pain and loss of breaking up with her.
But hey, If giving her a dose of my pure, unadulterated Dark Side is what its gonna take, then I hope she's ready for it. Because I'm sick of the disruption to my life every time she wants to hear my voice...
This may sound odd, but I'm really happy to hear that you are taking the steps to get the divorce. I can tell you from my own experience that it is the only way to go when the situation is the way it is...
On a BIG side note..
I would "highly" suggest closing the other blog to "invited readers only" .. Trust me, it would be a good idea due to the fact that it takes almost no effort at all to "connect the dots".. I'll create a dummy e-mail account and post it on the other site so that if you choose to do so you can e-mail the password to me without the world seeing it.. make sure the password in nothing but random letters and numbers..
It is ultimately your choice, but I think its a good idea due to the divorce direction you are heading in.
Lakota - The holding pattern can be like a prison at times. But you're right, it allows for some time to just think.. Nothing wrong with that at all..
I'll post a new chapter on your site soon.
Why do I not doubt that you could give me a blueprint on getting into trouble?
God, someday me, you and Mapi will have to meet up in person and do a bar crawl! We 3 would be a dangerous trio indeed.
Is it possible to PRE pay bail?!
Wabli, sometimes we have to just cut people off. I just dealt with that myself recently. It doesn't feel good, it ain't pretty, and it makes you feel harsh - but damn, there are people in the world that will fucking suck you dry. Much as we would like to believe otherwise. And they ADD nothing to our existence, only take. For them, for ourselves, for no other reason than sanity - it's best to cut the strings that bind.
ps - i second Windrider's recommendation, Mapi... anyone can follow the breadcrumb trails to your private arena right now.
gracias...
Dude...a barcrawl...haven't done that in years. I like the idea of a "Get out of Jail Free" card myself... but I can also take you places where just about anything would be acceptable...not in this country, of course. I can only let completely loose outside the USA.
I'll listen to the song later today so I don't completely ruin my voice by crying now.
Wish me luck...
That's exactly how it makes me feel:
Like some energy vampire is trying to bleed me dry..
Umm, Hello! We broke up, take the hint! Go live your life already, would ya?!
It must be that "Fat Elvis" sex appeal I have going on..
If she were coming over once every other week or so dressed like an indian princess dominatrix, and rocking my world so hard in the sack that I started speaking Pawnee, that would be a different story..
On second thought, scratch that...
I want a new play thing, not an old one...
~wink~