Just not feeling right..
I'm not sure exactly what the cause is, but I feel really off kilter today.
I just feel weird emotionally. Not super down, not really sad.. Just off center..
It's strange.
Maybe it was getting out on the water yesterday. I'm not sure. I visited some old ghosts while I was out there and maybe they hitched a ride back with me. I just feel really blah..
I think a part of it was an email from my brother. He mentioned that he and his wife sold their current house and bought another one. Larger, in a better city. It kind of struck a nerve with me. I can't say I'm jealous of the new house. I think its rather being envious of the progress.
It seems like all around me peoples lives are moving along quite nicely. New jobs, houses, marriages, all the promise in the world. I'm happy for them, really.
And here I am... Stuck on my very own CastAway island, or Limboland.. Just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. It makes me want to scream...
I know, poor me..
I just feel weird emotionally. Not super down, not really sad.. Just off center..
It's strange.
Maybe it was getting out on the water yesterday. I'm not sure. I visited some old ghosts while I was out there and maybe they hitched a ride back with me. I just feel really blah..
I think a part of it was an email from my brother. He mentioned that he and his wife sold their current house and bought another one. Larger, in a better city. It kind of struck a nerve with me. I can't say I'm jealous of the new house. I think its rather being envious of the progress.
It seems like all around me peoples lives are moving along quite nicely. New jobs, houses, marriages, all the promise in the world. I'm happy for them, really.
And here I am... Stuck on my very own CastAway island, or Limboland.. Just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. It makes me want to scream...
I know, poor me..
Comments
I'll scream right along with you.
I sooooo understand how you feel. After a wonderful trip, be it a day or a week or two, I find myself usually in a funk. Times had, memories visited and created, that strange blend of past and present mixing with a future that is so uncertain for you now--I could feel in your words yesterday describing your trip out a great deal of thought occured. When people used to tell me that "thinking too much could be dangerous" I never could grasp why until I had enough time to sit and think.
If anything, I'm sure your trip out strengthened your resolve to get back home. That is not a bad thing. When you have the desire, it will happen. It will. Maybe not exactly on your timeline, but it will and you will be appropriately appreciative.
My sister and her husband, likewise, moved up from a condo in Vegas to a townhouse to a brand new built home. Jealous? Yeah, a twinge, living in my 40 year old brick home that was the only thing affordable. Complexly mixed with realizing that it is, indeed, her turn. And knowing that Life on her end is not all peachy-keen, either. Everyone has their issues, no matter what their house is, where they live...and almost everyone sees the grass as being greener elsewhere.
Your time will come, Windrider. I know that. You are almost too ready. If I could be so presumptious to even advise one thing, it would be to get back out there on the water and put the old ghosts back down, visit Wayne, be one with your Nature--for, as much as I am certain you do find that Nature everywhere you roam, the luxury of having the Everglades in your backyard is most probably finite.
We're all in it together. It's okay not to feel right. Just don't sit like me and not do anything about it. Take that gator by the jaws and GO!
...and don't forget us little people along the way.
Be well, Windrider. Peace...
Sweetheart, no one is ever where they think they should be in life. And we are all looking thru the glass at the lives of others, never really seeing the whole picture. I'm willing to bet you anything that your brother has some smiggen of internal envy for you, living the free bachelor life in one of the hottest cities in the world, etc.
I might have that all wrong - but you know what i'm saying.
Now lay down and I'll give you a virtual back rub.
smooches
Kota
It means a lot. And I'm being serious when I say that.
I think you hit it on the head Mapi. I stirred up some memories out there yesterday. Of time spent in much happier days on the little metal boat. That was a big part of it.
I also think that you really touched on a key part of it as well when you said, "You are almost too ready." I think thats a very big part of it. It's karmically Murphy's Law that the more you want something, the more elusive it becomes. And this is something I've wanted for a long, long time..
Where the agonizing frustration comes in is that it's so close to happening, and yet seems so very far away. I've had my hopes up higher than high, only to have them smashed like a dinner plate on a concrete driveway so many times that it isn't even funny..
I need to just set it down and walk away from it. Really..
I really am happy for my brother.. As you said, it's just his turn. I harbor no ill will towards him. I just felt a twinge of, "When the hell are the cards going to go MY way for a damn change??"
Sour grapes, I guess... I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum, but I guess everything has its time and place, and reason for happening...
I also agree with you as well Kota.. I know exactly what you are saying.
Everyone thinks I live this "SuperFly, Uberpimp" lifestyle living down here. Like I'm dressed in Armani, sipping a mojito on a yacht all the time. Or some such nonsense.
Either that, or that I'm the next Steve Irwin.. (Well, ahem..)
You two are the best. I really mean that. I clown around, and shine it on here on the blog sometimes because thats just my personality. But, Sometimes I just need to let whatever's bothering me out.
Thank you for the great advice, and solace.. And letting me whine like a little girl..
the first round of drinks are on me in Vegas...
oh dude...
YOU. DID. NOT. SAY. THAT.
I'm so kicking your ass!
Glad you sound better...
Oy,what are you doing up at this hour?
I thought I was the only vampire around here.
Make that two doing the ass-kicking.
Hope you get some rest today, Windrider. Be well.
so i need my gradually enter the waking world time.
This Maori saying came up on another read of mine:
Ki mai ki au, he aha te mea nui o tenei ao Maku e ki atu - he tangata, he tangata, he tangata
If you ask me what is the most important thing in this world I shall reply - it is people, it is people, it is people.
It made me think of you. We experience so much in life and yet it is our relationship with other people that greatly form our ties to different places, our memories had, our loves or our distastes, and so many of our pleasures. For those of us having difficulties in leaving home to experience Life, this is also because of the people--a lack of desire to expend the energy required to meet, mingle, open oneself, have to talk, and fear.
Forgive the rambling...I saw that and thought of you. When thriving in a much less complex time, the indigenous people of this Earth really did foster a profound yet simple wisdom that we all should embrace. Not that neither you nor 'Kota need reminding of that.
Be well.
I have to admit I've lost the focus in the last few years.
It really is all about our relations with others.
I was going to head into the everglades this morning, but stopped. I knew that being out there alone would be tough...
(yes, sadly it gets "crowded" in the Everglades too..)
I wanted to head back to the island, make a fire and lay some things to rest. But, realized that this wasn't the best time for doing that. I want to be alone for that.
I was thinking of going out there to the little island in the everglades, and staying overnight sometime soon.
Call me crazy, but I think I need to.
I need to go out there into the green and just weep, laugh, dance around the fire, and sing.. I want to lay some things down for the last time into the embers of a fire. I want to Lose my mind, and find it again.
I need a vision..
I need to get back into life, rather than just existing. It's very true that I've sequestered myself away here in this apartment for a long time. It's not healthy. It needs to stop.
I'm tired of it.
There are many uniquely special things about you and I hope you appreciate those in yourself.
I'm here if you need me. I have good ears. Not alot of wisedom to convey but good ears.
(nuzzles your forehead)
I love you for that, sweetheart..
I really do..