Laying it down...

The last few days or so brought things to a head with me emotionally...

All the worry, anticipation and stress over my current situation just boiled over, like a pot on the stove. It came out of every pore in my body. My heart ached, my skin felt like it was on fire, and my head throbbed from the volume of a million "what if's" racing through it.

I sat and was absolutely blanketed with despair. Tears fell from my eyes.

I just melted down....

I slept for a few hours and then came back out to computer. I was utterly spent.

And then I just decided to lay it all down. I have no control over the job situation what so ever.. If they call, they call.. If they don't, well there's absolutely nothing I can do about that. But letting it affect me like it has been IS within my control. I can do something about that.

Sitting around in my dark apartment, drinking like a fish, and wallowing in worry and heartache is really pretty pointless. I can control that as well.

I just threw it down and walked away from it. How, I have no idea. But it was like I had cut an invisible rope that had been tied to me. I guess I just hit my threshold with it.

I sat and read an e mail that a dear friend had sent me expressing concern, and I thought:

"What the Fuck am I doing putting myself through this for?"

"This is absolutely pointless... Enough of this shit!! It stops NOW Goddamn it!!"

Granted I'm not all butterflies and lolly pops inside. Far from it in fact. But I'm done dwelling on it, and lamenting each passing day waiting for my phone to ring.

Life goes on...