Restless.
It's been a few days since my last post.
I just needed to step away from the blog and rest, relax, and just exist.
The last week took it's toll on me. Although I put the fact that it was Christmas far out of my mind, I couldn't get all but a few nagging grains of loneliness out of me. It was like a tiny hangnail that just wouldn't let you forget it was there.
I'm just restless.. It's hard to describe, really.
I just have a lot hanging in the balance in my life, and instead of seeing wheels turning, and things happening there's only dead silence and stillness. It's almost maddening. My life has been in limbo for a few years now. I'm not sure if anyone else out there has experienced this for as long as I've been , but I can assure you that it is a very uncomfortable thing. You feel as if you can't make any plans, because you might be leaving where you are.
Don't misunderstand me, this isn't meant to be a "poor me" post at all. It's just that I feel like a person that is flying "standby" and has been for years. Like there are no guarantees , or sure things anymore.. No constants.. Just nebulous "maybes and probably's".
It's like standing on constantly shifting sand. No fun. But, those are the cards I've been dealt for the last few years. It is what it is...
I just wonder what the message is in all of this..
I mean, whats the grand cosmic lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this? Hell, is there any lesson at all? Or is this just one big random merry go round that can't be counted on for other than sheer randomness?
All the wishing on of stars, all the sincere prayers, the knocking on of wood, what if all of that really doesn't mean shit? What if it just all boils down to statistical odds, and being in the right place at the right time?
I know I'm being a pessimist right now, but that's a big part of who I truly am. I've always been a skeptic underneath it all. I try and try to make myself believe that good things happen to decent people, but see the dirtbags being the ones that succeed..
I wish I knew the answer..
Hmm, talk about philisopical rambling!
Peace..
I just needed to step away from the blog and rest, relax, and just exist.
The last week took it's toll on me. Although I put the fact that it was Christmas far out of my mind, I couldn't get all but a few nagging grains of loneliness out of me. It was like a tiny hangnail that just wouldn't let you forget it was there.
I'm just restless.. It's hard to describe, really.
I just have a lot hanging in the balance in my life, and instead of seeing wheels turning, and things happening there's only dead silence and stillness. It's almost maddening. My life has been in limbo for a few years now. I'm not sure if anyone else out there has experienced this for as long as I've been , but I can assure you that it is a very uncomfortable thing. You feel as if you can't make any plans, because you might be leaving where you are.
Don't misunderstand me, this isn't meant to be a "poor me" post at all. It's just that I feel like a person that is flying "standby" and has been for years. Like there are no guarantees , or sure things anymore.. No constants.. Just nebulous "maybes and probably's".
It's like standing on constantly shifting sand. No fun. But, those are the cards I've been dealt for the last few years. It is what it is...
I just wonder what the message is in all of this..
I mean, whats the grand cosmic lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this? Hell, is there any lesson at all? Or is this just one big random merry go round that can't be counted on for other than sheer randomness?
All the wishing on of stars, all the sincere prayers, the knocking on of wood, what if all of that really doesn't mean shit? What if it just all boils down to statistical odds, and being in the right place at the right time?
I know I'm being a pessimist right now, but that's a big part of who I truly am. I've always been a skeptic underneath it all. I try and try to make myself believe that good things happen to decent people, but see the dirtbags being the ones that succeed..
I wish I knew the answer..
Hmm, talk about philisopical rambling!
Peace..
Comments
Hanging in limbo sucks. Been there and done that. I can't imagine carrying that feeling for years though. It would be like hanging on the edge of a cliff, waiting for the next moment... and waiting and waiting.
I've been lurking on your blog and wanted to mention that I enjoy it a great deal and that's due entirely to the mind behind it.
Thank you for coming back. You are missed when you hiatus, but I would never deny those rest who need a rest.
I don't know what to say, Windrider. Or better yet, I have so much to say and yet it seems to amount to nothing. I can empathize my ass off but that won't even help you solve your issues, as I haven't come to any (picture angels singing Waaaahhhh) miraculously insightful conclusions myself.
Does this mean I'll keep my mouth shut and cease to opine?
Ja. Not on your life.
You are waiting for somebody, namely another institution, to make up its mind to open the door for you to make a jump that you, I honestly believe after having read you and a good deal of your archives, have already decided to make regardless. Tell me...no, wait. You don't owe this to me, it's for you. Think on this: What would happen if you were to just go ahead and follow that Joseph Campbell-esque bliss that you know you need to follow in order to bring that degree of peace to your heart? Is it at all possible that, in the end, with some effort on your part, you will end up ahead...not only with your family close (or closer, if you choose not to be in the same exact town/city/village/whatever) but also with foot in career or perhaps even a change of profession that might seem like less of a "monkey dancing in front of a grinder" (sorry, borrowed words...)?
Just a thought. I'm dangerous when I actually think. Sorry.
Please be well, Windrider. And know that there are lots out here who actually care about what happens in your life. That is the beautiful thing about being human, and is an incredibly non-pessimistic statement from someone like me.
Random acts...knocking on wood (I learned in Argentina that you can't knock on wood that has legs...funny, maybe they believe their luck will up and go if you do), prayers--who is to say what works and what doesn't? I have seen extremely faith-filled people experience trials worse than I could ever imagine in my life. Does the assurance that "God is on their side" make it easier? Perhaps sometimes. I refuse to believe, however, that even the most faith-filled person never feels completely abandoned and alone. When looking back on my life, I can see in hindsight how opportunities I believed "missed" completely opened another door for me...one I could have never before anticipated opening. Sometimes that required risk-taking on my part...making a jump I wasn't sure I was ready to make.
Windrider, if you want my humble opinion, it sounds to me like you might be ready.
I stand by to read more. Be well.
Yeah, "limboland" as I like to call it can be pretty rotten at times. I guess I've become used to it in a wierd way.
I agree with you about the Pendulum theory. It has to swing back eventually. I hope. If not, i want a fucking refund for this ride..
I am a friend of "The People" from a long way back. The Lakota were my chosen field of specialization when I was in an anthro degree program in the early 90's. I just fell in love with the Lakota and the culture.
I felt like a turncoat in a way as my own diluted heritage is Apache, and predominantly Commanche. But they weren't even on the map..
Tan Yan Yahee Ya Lo!
Doe Ksh kay yo oun Hey?
Windrider
Mapiprincessa!! -
I was considering exactly that: Just making the Jump.
But, I've done that in the past and it has been a big mistake.. I just cant drop it all and go back home without a good job. my financial obligations just won't let me swing it unfortunately.
So, I'm sort of trapped for now.
But hey, My life is "alright " here when I really look at it. I have food, a good jeep, a boat to play with, a bazillion miles of everglades to explore if I feel like it...
But my heart doesn't live here any more. It's back in Texas.
but I need to practice my Jimmy Buffet more:
"But, I got to stop bitchin,
I got to go fishin'
I'm down to rock bottom again...
with just a few friends, with just a few friends.... "
Peace..
Thank you for stopping by and playing for a moment.
Not a drop of Lakota in me but also an area of study for years, along with the other Peoples.
Lakotas have always been near and dear to my heart. (Speaking of which did you hear the lastest news about the Lakota Nation and Russell Means?)
Grandma was fullblood Blackfoot and Gramps was quarter Cherokee, Irish and who knows what the hell else. Half the continental United States is part Irish-Cherokee I think.
Feel free to visit whenever. My brand of stoopid silliness and the Barbie tales of intrigue should gift you with numerous eyerolls if not laughter. ~grin~
Oh, and I can't guarantee that you won't end up as an "action figure" in one of the stories. Hmmm... I think it calls for a warrior figure.... mumbling to self as I head home....
Ah, yes. Money. Minor detail. Great part of my entrapment as well, say no more.
I learned to juggle this past year. Literally. Not quite to knives yet, though. And stand on my head. I consider it insurance. Standing by for that day I have to drop out of Life. Then I can go juggle and do acrobatics at stop lights in Buenos Aires, then pass my hat around for tips and live off that.
...just need to get that right twist of the wrist for that damn hat.
buenas noches, Windrider.