Waiting on the Bus..
I've been on a personal burn for almost the last week. Nothing to write home about, just the usual dark clouds that always seem to be filling the sky in my world. This is sad to admit, but I'm getting used to them. It's been a long time since the sky was blue..
I'm not sure what luck is, but if it really exists I ran out of it a few years ago. This isn't said out of a "poor me" attitude, nor is it designed to garner sympathy in the comments section. It's just a static statement of fact. I simply am out of luck. The cupboard is bare, and while I may have it on the top of my Karmic shopping list, I just don't know when I'll be getting any more of it.. I know I sure could use a good run of it.. And if there is a God in heaven, I ought to file an official complaint because I feel like I'm getting screwed.
My current attitude has been brought on by a lot of completely separate things. I guess I'm just noticing the folly in many different things in life. Some things are not going to change no matter how hard you try to make them. It's roughly akin to beating your head against a rock and expecting the rock to shatter..
Hell, I don't know the answer. Nobody does. Nobody....
We're all just bumblefucking our way from the cradle to the grave as best we know how. Some people act like they have it all figured out. But they're really just full of shit, doing nothing but fooling themselves and everyone else. And most of the people who think they possess this knowledge are almost always the ones who are currently on the sunny side of the street. It's always easy to imagine you've figured it out when you're sitting in first class sipping champagne. Try asking the poor sons of bitches crammed like cattle in economy sitting next to the lavatory smelling everone's shit. You'll get a completely different answer..
I guess I feel like I'm sitting at a big cosmic bus stop just waiting for the fucker to arrive, and hoping that it will actually stop and not just whizz past with the driver laughing at me. All I know is I'm sick of waiting. It seems like that's what most of my time is spent doing, waiting....
Part of me wonders if I'll ever be truly happy. I'm not talking about the Enlightenment that Buddists refer to. I'm taking about just being satisfied. Just looking around and and saying "This is pretty fucking satisfactory", you know? Being able at the end of the day to not ruminate and wish on falling stars, hoping for my ship to come in. That's what I'm taking about. Just to be content.
The best way to understand how I feel is to listen to Bob Seger's "Against the Wind". It pretty much sums it up. I used to listen to that song and thought I new what it meant. Then I got into my late 30's with a divorce behind me, in a dead end job, living in a 1 bedroom apartment and Goddamn, it made crystal clear sense then..
It's odd.. This week I considered just walking away from it all. Just packing a suitcase with clothes, turning off the lights, dropping the keys in a mailbox and driving off over the horizon. Not calling in to quit my job, not telling my folks, none of that... Just pointing my nose in a direction and leaving..
I really did..
But, without a whole shitload of money I don't have, it would just fucked things up. It would be like throwing a handful of rifle shells into a campfife. And I just don't need to peg the Suck-o-Meter out anymore than it already is.
So, I'll just stay here. Waiting for that elusive phone call, biding my time, suffering this job and all the self centered pricks that go with it..
Waiting on the bus...
I don't need therapy, I don't need any fucking anti-depressants, or Jesus.. I tried all of that and none of them worked. I don't need Tony Robbins, or Pollyanna, or any chrome plated new age spiritual bullshit. I'm too jaded and cynical for that crap. Besides, It doesn't work.
What I need is for these vindictive dice life keeps having me throw to come up a seven instead of Snake Eyes.
I need a winning lotto ticket, A doobie the size of my cock, and a piece of ass so hot that motherfuckers get third degree burns on their retinas when she walks past. Thats what I need..
Not all of this mundane, scratching out a living, waiting for crumbs to come my way, suffering idiots horseshit...
But, that ain't gonna happen. You know it and I know it.. This game is rigged.
I'd just settle for the contentment thing...
I'm not sure what luck is, but if it really exists I ran out of it a few years ago. This isn't said out of a "poor me" attitude, nor is it designed to garner sympathy in the comments section. It's just a static statement of fact. I simply am out of luck. The cupboard is bare, and while I may have it on the top of my Karmic shopping list, I just don't know when I'll be getting any more of it.. I know I sure could use a good run of it.. And if there is a God in heaven, I ought to file an official complaint because I feel like I'm getting screwed.
My current attitude has been brought on by a lot of completely separate things. I guess I'm just noticing the folly in many different things in life. Some things are not going to change no matter how hard you try to make them. It's roughly akin to beating your head against a rock and expecting the rock to shatter..
Hell, I don't know the answer. Nobody does. Nobody....
We're all just bumblefucking our way from the cradle to the grave as best we know how. Some people act like they have it all figured out. But they're really just full of shit, doing nothing but fooling themselves and everyone else. And most of the people who think they possess this knowledge are almost always the ones who are currently on the sunny side of the street. It's always easy to imagine you've figured it out when you're sitting in first class sipping champagne. Try asking the poor sons of bitches crammed like cattle in economy sitting next to the lavatory smelling everone's shit. You'll get a completely different answer..
I guess I feel like I'm sitting at a big cosmic bus stop just waiting for the fucker to arrive, and hoping that it will actually stop and not just whizz past with the driver laughing at me. All I know is I'm sick of waiting. It seems like that's what most of my time is spent doing, waiting....
Part of me wonders if I'll ever be truly happy. I'm not talking about the Enlightenment that Buddists refer to. I'm taking about just being satisfied. Just looking around and and saying "This is pretty fucking satisfactory", you know? Being able at the end of the day to not ruminate and wish on falling stars, hoping for my ship to come in. That's what I'm taking about. Just to be content.
The best way to understand how I feel is to listen to Bob Seger's "Against the Wind". It pretty much sums it up. I used to listen to that song and thought I new what it meant. Then I got into my late 30's with a divorce behind me, in a dead end job, living in a 1 bedroom apartment and Goddamn, it made crystal clear sense then..
It's odd.. This week I considered just walking away from it all. Just packing a suitcase with clothes, turning off the lights, dropping the keys in a mailbox and driving off over the horizon. Not calling in to quit my job, not telling my folks, none of that... Just pointing my nose in a direction and leaving..
I really did..
But, without a whole shitload of money I don't have, it would just fucked things up. It would be like throwing a handful of rifle shells into a campfife. And I just don't need to peg the Suck-o-Meter out anymore than it already is.
So, I'll just stay here. Waiting for that elusive phone call, biding my time, suffering this job and all the self centered pricks that go with it..
Waiting on the bus...
I don't need therapy, I don't need any fucking anti-depressants, or Jesus.. I tried all of that and none of them worked. I don't need Tony Robbins, or Pollyanna, or any chrome plated new age spiritual bullshit. I'm too jaded and cynical for that crap. Besides, It doesn't work.
What I need is for these vindictive dice life keeps having me throw to come up a seven instead of Snake Eyes.
I need a winning lotto ticket, A doobie the size of my cock, and a piece of ass so hot that motherfuckers get third degree burns on their retinas when she walks past. Thats what I need..
Not all of this mundane, scratching out a living, waiting for crumbs to come my way, suffering idiots horseshit...
But, that ain't gonna happen. You know it and I know it.. This game is rigged.
I'd just settle for the contentment thing...
Comments
First, a hug. Big:
(((Windrider)))
Second, empathy:
I now really do believe you understand where I am, too. Your cosmic bus stop is my "treading water"...same shit different name.
Third, advice (like I have right? Take it or leave it. You know that already):
Pray on it. In your way, to your God. I don't mean dropping to your knees, give me ten Hail Marys and A-MEN. I mean getting to a peaceful place (perhaps your island) and instead of merely releasing your problems and thinking about them and trying to solve them, asking the nature, the force, the goodness, the purity around you, in its infinite wisdom, for help. For the openness and strength of mind and spirit to heed what it is that, in Nature's great wisdom, s/he sees you needing to do. Release. Let it go.
I can't begin to explain to you what has occured in my life this past week but a combination of communicating with others and prayerful release, in MY way, has given me strength to release, to calmly sit and makes steps toward more definite separation in my marriage and I felt an inexplicably tranquilizing force just gently pushing me to do what I have needed to do for a very long time; a force that kept with me and kept me calm throughout the conversation, and I feel so much better. No, everything is not solved. But we are on the same page with no violence having occured and yesterday we actually worked together to switch our bedrooms around, to put the Mother up with the Children where I belong and create at least a more visible separation within the home with the Father downstairs in the basement.
If, like you, money were not such a key issue, then we could create a more concrete separation. But it is stated and understood that our marriage bond is nothing more than a sheet of paper at this point and that it is time for both of us to start to work on going on.
And I am feeling better. For now.
Back to YOU:
A few questions...you don't owe me answers, you know that:
1. Are you the kind of person who would, upon returning to your hometown, have the drive to search and sell yourself well in order to get a new job--if you were just to leave tomorrow? Or would it be too tempting to pull the covers over your head?
2. Are your parents willing to assist you in any way, including the rental of a room in their home for a time while you establish yourself. After all, your purpose is to get closer to them. In recognition of and in order to facilitate this end, they might want to help you in this way--but you can also be fair by offering something in return for the short time you would require that assistance.
3. Is it Miami that you hate or only your job? Is it truly a pull back home that you feel, or a need to get out of the status quo? Are your 20-20 hindsight memories, oft corrected romantically for what once was in Life, creating an idyllic existence back home where there really is not? Is there anything for you there? At least you don't have to deal with children in thinking about this one...that complicates things greatly.
Just some food for what I hope might come to be some positive reflection for you. I wish I could give you all the answers you need, or wave my wand and *poof¡* make it all disappear and put you back at home.
But I can't.
And if I were that hot of a piece of ass, I'd come down for a weekend and make you the envy of Miami. Unfortunately, my qualifications don't quite match up to the job requirements!...not even for a weekend. (jajaja)
You will find the strength to make the decision to do what is right for you at this point. It might be to continue to take baby steps day by day. It might mean leaving tomorrow. I don't know; only you will ever truly know. But don't be afraid to seek the advice in the wisdom of the water...the fauna...the wind...
You know where you can find me if you need anything at all.
Be well, Windrider.
Sounds a bit new-agey. Just what you don't need.
Sorry. And I am not preachy. That is not me. What works for one does not always work for another. However, I do know that some food for thought that you gave me this week helped me worlds, even if I didn't do everything and exactly the way you said...so perhaps something might make a tiny difference.
I just want you to truly, sincerely be well. That's all I can do--we're all in it together and I don't want you to feel like you are all alone, that's all.
--mapi
I'm sort of out of the prayer thing these days. But I head what you're saying.
I'm very , very glad to hear that you are taking steps foreward to resolve the situation you're in. It may be hard, but you'll be better for it in the long run..
Sigh, it always boils down to those little green pieces of paper doesen't it.. I can honestly say that if I hadn't had that constraint on me I would have been gone from here years ago.
the YOU questions:
1. yes I would, but fell that it's a bad idea to do that. With the job market the way it is, I cannot make a jump without having a job firmly in place. Not with the bills I'm paying right now.
2.I just couldn't ask that of them. Besides, I see who quickly I become a 14 year old again in my mothers eyes when I'm in the house for more than a couple of days. Sorry, but I'm a middle aged man not a boy.
I could stay there for a few weeks, but anything more than that would be courting disaster. Granted, dad and I could live like two bachelors and have a flipping ball. But, my mother has become rater puritanical in her latter years..
3. I hate Miami with a passion. They should saw the fucking state off at the Palm Beach County line and float the whole thing to south america or cuba. It is nothing more than a little corrupt third world country in and of itself.
May it get blown off the map by a hurricane, or barring that, a nuclear detonation.. Nuff said..
My Job, If it were staffed with other people than the ones currently there, and located in a city in America would probably not be that bad. Albeit, it is still a dead end job..
I know there is no nirvana place that exist. Home still has MORE than it's share of hassles. But, I wouldn't be just a voice on a phone reciever, or an email.
Hey, don't sell yourself short in the looks department. You Are the SEXY mamcita, no?
I'm just wagon training along.. And you are right.. Either it will happen, or I'll just split when my bills are paid, and my education is finished..
Big Hugs to you,
Windrider
1. Thanks for not taking my comments about "pray on it" to heart...I think you know what I mean, and you know what's in my heart. And I could have used a better choice of words, understanding your personal history and context.
2. I completely and totally understand everything you say.
a. I felt about New Orleans the way you feel about Miami.
b. I'm not sure how to tell my mother about this "separation" (although I'm sure she already knows) as she has been trying to separate us since the day we were married (or rather, the day my father died) and I defended my choice (as was my duty) blindly and, now looking back, naively. But I did what I had to do then.
c. I had to live with my parents for a few weeks' time only upon moving back to Oregon a couple of times, before establishing an apartment of my own in certain transition times in my life. That is hard to do no matter how you cut it, even if the time there is finite.
It is up to us to create our own "nirvana", as you put it. I've usually been pretty successful at doing that wherever I go, but it gets harder as I get older. Plus, now I have to create that nirvana for two little monkeys, whose nirvana will, by nature, be different than mine.
And last point before I head to dreamland: I'm okay with me. I have come to accept the fact that I no longer turn heads when I walk down the street, nor can get a drink order in at a bar on a Friday night. Part of being 35, I think. Such is Life. Although I think that the only reason why I did when I was younger was because I lived in Japan and looked so damn different. I had the lightest hair, whitest skin and longest legs in the entire town, if not in the region. One can get unhealthily accustomed to so much attention!
But regardless, I'm sure we could still manage to turn your town upside down in a weekend! HA! Sounds like a challenge. Just don't let me loose in a salsa bar, or you will *never* see me again.
Question: you're taking courses, too? Duuuude....
Nice to see you back, although I know you're going through It. Be good to yourself.
Good night, Windrider.