Being Invisible...
The older I get, the less I want to be highly visible to others. Granted, I do have my "Hey, look at Me!!" moments from time to time, but buy and large I'm happy to remain in the shadows.
I'm sure that right now some of that is due to my body image. I just don't want to be noticed by anyone. I'm eating better, and trying to shed the pounds, but for now I simply wish to remain invisible to everyone. once I start feeling better about myself , and how I see myself in the bathroom mirror I'll want some attention again.
I mean why DO we judge eachother ( and ourselves ) based on our outward appearances? Social morays, societal conditioning, past experiences , or just plain ignorance? I really wish I knew 100% why those of us with sight use it in such a poor fashion.
Ever since I was little I've had body image issues. I was chubby as a little child, and lost the weight in high school and kept it off until I got out of the military. I had a pretty long run of being in shape and having a decent physique. (Although, I have never been comfortable with my shirt off.EVER..) I look back at photos of me when I was younger and can't help wonder what the hell was wrong with me to think that way. Shit, I was skinny, and good looking!! And yet, there I was hiding behind clothes... It's strange the games our minds play with us.
I guess that's where in my life that I learned to be invisible. It was a safe place to be. Nobody took notice of me or even knew I was there unless I wanted them to, which wasn't often. I didn't keep many friends around me, or very many people close to me. The mental invisibility spilled over into how I lived my life. Most of my hobbies, and sports were solitary ones that didn't require others to be involved, even though I could be the absolute life of the party when the situation arose. Odd, no?
I'm better now in my latter middle age ( 37 ) but still struggle with it from time to time. I guess I always will unless I become a totaly gymrat and spend all my spare money on human growth hormone, and steroids, and every waking moment on a weight machine. But, even if I did, I still think that little grain of insecurity would never go away completely.
It's a good thing I'm a master at camoflage..
Comments
That said, I'm no fool, and I know how overweight people are perceived in this day in age. It's frustrating to know that some people are judging you by what they see in front of them. What they don't see is that many larger people eat healthy and exercise regularly (and even if they don't, that's no one else's business or concern!). What they do seem to see is "lazy" and it can put a person in a constant state of defense.
The one good benefit of being someone who is often misjudged based on your looks is the wonderful people that become a part of your life because you've known not to judged them for how they look but who they are.
What on earth are you doing hanging about such a seedy corner of the internet this time of night?
There is definately a stigma attached to having extra pounds on your body. Living here in Miami where the "Invasion on the Body Nazis" started years ago, I can see the way larger people are scrutinized by the "Vulture Culture" thats so predominant here. (If they can't hold a flashlight against your back and see your heart beating from the fron side you are considered too fat)
And you are 100% correct that we are misjudged based on appearance. Granted, I'm tall , and large..
I look like a grizzly bear with very little fur and seldom get snyde comments in front of me , but I can feel the judgement at times.
Case in point:
Yesterday I ventured out to get a haircut and went into a newly opened hair shop. I was greeted by the receptionist and told her what I was seeking, and sat down to wait. About 2 minutes later I was summoned to follow a very petite, VERY south florida female hairdresser to her chair. ( read fake breasteses, fake fingernails, and a hair color that would definately NOT match the pubes.. M'kay? )
I could tell she was being very quiet, and naturally I assumed it was due to my stature. She asked me to sit lower in the chair, which I scrunched down in to oblige her request.
Girl, I looked like a volkswagon with a "Hair Cuttery" tarp thrown over it , and half expected people to start tossing whole salmon at me....
I made some small talk and jokes with her and she loosened up a bit.
But it still bothered me. After I left the place I went home and sort of sulked about. I was having a big bout of insecurity hit me. I felt like I had played the clown just to be treated normally by someone who was so anorexic she couldn't have finished a side salad as a main course if she'd tried..
Such is life here in the lad of the "Love Me Lots".....
I'm actually in the middle of a complaint process against a doctor who, when I was not seeing him based on anything to do with weight, looked me up and down and said I was obviously eating a lot. I'd never heard such an irresponsible comment from a doctor. I'm lucky that I don't have an eating disorder, or certainly such a comment could have had dire consequences. It amazes me how some people think they can treat other people because they're carrying a "spare tire." Yeesh. Whatever makes us stronger I guess. But let's be honest, sometimes I'd rather trade in a little strength for a really killer dress. Oh well, I can't outgrow shoes!
I can't believe he said that to you!
I'm also someone who "carries it well" and I hate that I do carry it well to be honest..
It makes it easier for me to shrug off all the "Big Guy" comments, and not get busy and try to turn the tide around.
See, I can't honestly say that I'm heavy due to a medical condition. Man, I wish I could Blandy, but I honestly just can't. It would be a lie.
My extra weight is due to me eating more than I should, drinking too much, and not getting out and exercising. It's no one's fault but mine.
I'm sure an antidepressant I have since quit taking contributed to the weight gain considerably, but I assign all of the blame to me for the most part. Largely due to the fact that I've been off the medication for a long time and still continued to pack on the pounds when I was fully capable of hitting the "house of pain" ..
Enough of that...
And besides, if we had to survive with any of these creatures in a wilderness setting...
Guess who would die first?
The skinnies..
By the way, welcome to my blogroll.