Just thinking
Well another week has past like the blink of an eye, and at the same time like a million years.
I have to apologise to all of you who still read this little island in the stream of my consciousness. I've been really neglecting this space where I write my heart, and document my life. I need to put a little more effort into it and update more.
My excuses are the same ones everyone else has: too busy, needed to do this or that, etc. etc. But there are also some others that aren't so common.
The truth is that I've been dealing with some old ghosts. I think it's because this month is the one year mark since I ended it with Kim. That, and a couple of other memories that for whatever reason have decided to come back from the depths of long ago. Its made me stop and think about my life and take a self assessment. I haven't liked what I've seen. Not at all.
I need to make some changes in my life. Some changes that are long overdue. I'm way overweight and need to get back into shape for my own health and well being. I'm to young to feel this rickety, and tired all the time. But, I just keep sitting on my ass in the apartment all the time because I don't feel good about the way I look and I'm actually embarrassed to head to the gym and be the "fat guy" huffing and puffing on a treadmill.
I guess the root of it all is really low self esteem. It's been in the toilet for a few years now, and the shitty job situation, coupled with how my finances have been have apparently amplified the shit out of it. But, it needs to stop. It just has to stop... I realized that I'm just SO sick of it. I can put on a good game face 99% of the time. But sometimes it just really hurts me.
So I come here. I'm forcing myself to. I need to type it out more and get it out. Holding it in is like being slowly poisoned. Granted, It makes for crappy reading material but I really don't care. Sometimes I just need to get it off my chest and not give a shit what anyone reading this would think. I've been guilty of that in the past... Never again. If it's a shitty day, it's going to be written down as a shitty day and not covered with glitter and stickers. I feel dishonest when I do that. Simply put this blog is about ME, and chronicling MY life and times. Not some form of entertainment for a readership.
So that's how it's going to be.
I guess I'm also a bit emotional about going home on Wednesday. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it will be a lovely visit. We'll have fun, and laugh, and smile. But I hate the God damned fact that I'm going to have to get back on a plane and return here when it's done. I feel like time with my parents is slipping away so quickly and that I'm not got to get back there in time to really share their lives with them again before they pass away. I know that's pretty morbid, but that's honestly how I feel.
I guess this mood I'm has come about as a result of a lot of worries, memories and concerns hitting me all at the same time. The current drama going on at my job doesn't help one stinking bit either. But I know that once I finish my degree I'll be aggressively seeking other employment back home, even if it means a pay cut. So, at least this isn't forever, just for right now.
I have to apologise to all of you who still read this little island in the stream of my consciousness. I've been really neglecting this space where I write my heart, and document my life. I need to put a little more effort into it and update more.
My excuses are the same ones everyone else has: too busy, needed to do this or that, etc. etc. But there are also some others that aren't so common.
The truth is that I've been dealing with some old ghosts. I think it's because this month is the one year mark since I ended it with Kim. That, and a couple of other memories that for whatever reason have decided to come back from the depths of long ago. Its made me stop and think about my life and take a self assessment. I haven't liked what I've seen. Not at all.
I need to make some changes in my life. Some changes that are long overdue. I'm way overweight and need to get back into shape for my own health and well being. I'm to young to feel this rickety, and tired all the time. But, I just keep sitting on my ass in the apartment all the time because I don't feel good about the way I look and I'm actually embarrassed to head to the gym and be the "fat guy" huffing and puffing on a treadmill.
I guess the root of it all is really low self esteem. It's been in the toilet for a few years now, and the shitty job situation, coupled with how my finances have been have apparently amplified the shit out of it. But, it needs to stop. It just has to stop... I realized that I'm just SO sick of it. I can put on a good game face 99% of the time. But sometimes it just really hurts me.
So I come here. I'm forcing myself to. I need to type it out more and get it out. Holding it in is like being slowly poisoned. Granted, It makes for crappy reading material but I really don't care. Sometimes I just need to get it off my chest and not give a shit what anyone reading this would think. I've been guilty of that in the past... Never again. If it's a shitty day, it's going to be written down as a shitty day and not covered with glitter and stickers. I feel dishonest when I do that. Simply put this blog is about ME, and chronicling MY life and times. Not some form of entertainment for a readership.
So that's how it's going to be.
I guess I'm also a bit emotional about going home on Wednesday. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it will be a lovely visit. We'll have fun, and laugh, and smile. But I hate the God damned fact that I'm going to have to get back on a plane and return here when it's done. I feel like time with my parents is slipping away so quickly and that I'm not got to get back there in time to really share their lives with them again before they pass away. I know that's pretty morbid, but that's honestly how I feel.
I guess this mood I'm has come about as a result of a lot of worries, memories and concerns hitting me all at the same time. The current drama going on at my job doesn't help one stinking bit either. But I know that once I finish my degree I'll be aggressively seeking other employment back home, even if it means a pay cut. So, at least this isn't forever, just for right now.
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