Times they are a changin'
I'm quite sure that this has been one of the busiest and strangest weeks in a long time. I haven't stopped moving in the last 5 days, or at least that's what it feels like. a lot of different things have been pulling at me from different angles of my life. Many of them are big things that can change my whole life as I know it.
In my last entry I was really freaking out about the largest elephant in the living room that is my life. I just had a full tilt sensory overload thinking about the magnitude of the decision I am going to have to make in the very near future. It will change absolutely everything in my life, right down to the core, and I mean completely. And It involves very significant risks if I bungle it up at any step.
Nah, no pressure here... Right....
I'm going to have to decide whether or not to accept a job in Texas in the next few weeks. I live in Miami. This is no small thing. If i take the job, I will be leaving the federal agency I currently work for and becoming a civilian again.
If I take the job I will be heading back home after being away for 11 and a half years of living abroad and in the US. So many things have gone on in that time: I was in the military, I was married, I was divorced.. Things you couldn't believe. Not just in my life, but also in the lives of my family. People have gotten older, died, had children, etc. But its where my roots are, and my heart.
So much has changed there since I've been gone. All of the old friends I had have move away long ago, the landscape has changed. In short, it has evolved... And I have too I guess. It makes me feel old to see that all my old haunts, and "anchor points" in my heart have simply vanished. But, I guess that's inevitable.
It's a strange paradox, this life we all are given. It seems to me that we spend our younger years living in the fantasy of the future, a brief time in the here and now, and then the rest of it in our past. It makes me sort of melancholy to be honest.
I've dreamed of getting home for a long, long time. It was the life raft I clung to in my mind during my divorce, and in the aftermath of it. I used to secretly hate going home to visit because deep down I always knew that it was just going to be for a brief moment in time. Then I would have to board a jet, and fly home to a cold and empty apartment and a job I had grown to hate. I knew I wasn't truly a part of my families life, just a visitor that was a voice on a phone, an e-mail, and a birthday card.
Now I have the VERY real possibility of moving back there, and it almost seems like a dream. But, a little voice inside me is also warning me, "It isn't the same place you left all those years ago.. things have changed, and people have changed too" . I really need to listen to that advice from inside if me, and remember to live in the Now, and not the Then. It sounds odd I know, but its just how I feel. I'm going to have to get to know people again that I've been around all of my life.
I have to clarify some details before I get anything finalized, but just the magnitude of all of this is sort of overwhelming. Its not exactly how I wanted to get back home but it will get me there. Something I can't explain just made me get off my ass and take action to make it happen. I felt like I'd been waiting for something to happen long enough.
I guess the best analogy to use is the scene in Forrest Gump when he was sitting on the porch of his house, and decided to "go for a little run" . That's me.
That's all I have to say about that...
In my last entry I was really freaking out about the largest elephant in the living room that is my life. I just had a full tilt sensory overload thinking about the magnitude of the decision I am going to have to make in the very near future. It will change absolutely everything in my life, right down to the core, and I mean completely. And It involves very significant risks if I bungle it up at any step.
Nah, no pressure here... Right....
I'm going to have to decide whether or not to accept a job in Texas in the next few weeks. I live in Miami. This is no small thing. If i take the job, I will be leaving the federal agency I currently work for and becoming a civilian again.
If I take the job I will be heading back home after being away for 11 and a half years of living abroad and in the US. So many things have gone on in that time: I was in the military, I was married, I was divorced.. Things you couldn't believe. Not just in my life, but also in the lives of my family. People have gotten older, died, had children, etc. But its where my roots are, and my heart.
So much has changed there since I've been gone. All of the old friends I had have move away long ago, the landscape has changed. In short, it has evolved... And I have too I guess. It makes me feel old to see that all my old haunts, and "anchor points" in my heart have simply vanished. But, I guess that's inevitable.
It's a strange paradox, this life we all are given. It seems to me that we spend our younger years living in the fantasy of the future, a brief time in the here and now, and then the rest of it in our past. It makes me sort of melancholy to be honest.
I've dreamed of getting home for a long, long time. It was the life raft I clung to in my mind during my divorce, and in the aftermath of it. I used to secretly hate going home to visit because deep down I always knew that it was just going to be for a brief moment in time. Then I would have to board a jet, and fly home to a cold and empty apartment and a job I had grown to hate. I knew I wasn't truly a part of my families life, just a visitor that was a voice on a phone, an e-mail, and a birthday card.
Now I have the VERY real possibility of moving back there, and it almost seems like a dream. But, a little voice inside me is also warning me, "It isn't the same place you left all those years ago.. things have changed, and people have changed too" . I really need to listen to that advice from inside if me, and remember to live in the Now, and not the Then. It sounds odd I know, but its just how I feel. I'm going to have to get to know people again that I've been around all of my life.
I have to clarify some details before I get anything finalized, but just the magnitude of all of this is sort of overwhelming. Its not exactly how I wanted to get back home but it will get me there. Something I can't explain just made me get off my ass and take action to make it happen. I felt like I'd been waiting for something to happen long enough.
I guess the best analogy to use is the scene in Forrest Gump when he was sitting on the porch of his house, and decided to "go for a little run" . That's me.
That's all I have to say about that...
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