The Latest happenings..

Sorry for being absent for the last week, but life has been rather hectic as of late.

A huge decision has been looming over me, its kept me up at night, and had me really carefully weighing my options. This is a huge thing, not some "Gee, should I get another apartment across town?" decision. This decision will affect every single thing in my life, down to the very core.

This is my career, my retirement, my finances and my life I'm dealing with here. It scares the crap out of me. But, I've come to know that a little bit of fear is a good thing. It makes you very cautious, and analytical.

Some folks may be wondering, "What's the big deal? Just move and take the job!" I don't blame them for thinking that either, but there are a lot of factors I have had to take into consideration. I've lept before looking a couple of times in the past and really screwed myself by not looking first. Not this time, no way. I simply can't afford to do that.

The pros and cons, starting with the cons:

• I would be leaving Federal Service. There is no promise that I could get back in If the new job went bad. Especially as the Agency I work for which is about as difficult to get into as the FBI.
• I would be giving up a federal retirement if I don't get back into the govt. As well as benefits.
• However, if I pass up the Civilian job, there is a very good chance that it will never come my way again.
• If I stay with the Feds, there is no assurance that I will be transferred to Texas at all. Keep in mind that I've been trying to get back home for three years.
• The move back to Texas will be at my expense, and will cost quite a bit of money.

Now the pros:

• After 11 years of living all over the Globe I will be less than 10 minutes from my Mom and Dad's place. I won't just be a voice on a phone, and a birthday card half a world away. I can actually experience them as a mature adult, and really get to know them as people. I can be a help to them, cut the grass, help with the pool, etc. ( they are both in their 70's )
• I'll actually be making more than I do now, and living in a MUCH lower cost of living area. Basically, I could rent a killer place for about 300 clams LESS than what I'm paying here. Lower insurance by far, in short I would be cutting a profit. I could save for retirement, buy a home, etc.
• Once I get fully licensed at my new job, I could apply for some Govt. jobs in the area that pay even more.
• I would be back in the home of my youth, with the rivers, lakes, and wildlife. I think that the scars on my heart and soul would start to disappear rather quickly.
• In short, I could be happy.. My heart has been dark for far too long.

Of course, now that the civilian job outweighs the federal one.... The carrot and the stick have reappeared on the Federal side! Go figure....

I checked my e-mail yesterday and had a few messages from my boss's boss dangling some encouraging morsels in front of me. Now, it seems that I should apply officially to facilities that I want to go to in Texas. It "might" just work out for me. Etc, Etc.. "things are starting to happen" yada, yada, yada......

You know what?

They can kiss my big lily white ass...... And toss my salad while they're at it, thank you very much!

I have sat here in Miami for well over 3 years trying to get out of this slimy reptilian shithole. And for three years I've had door after door slammed in my face. Human Resources people treated me like I had the Plague any time I darkened their door. I was "file 13'd" a million times, I was brushed off, I was "referred" to other offices, and just flat out lied to. I kept a stiff upper lip, never burned any bridges, and just kept trying. And never got anywhere, whatsoever..

And now that this civilian job pops up, all of the sudden the flood gates open? Sure kid, Riiiiight.. And I was born yesterday. Now, keep in mind that my employer has no clue about the job offer back home. ( whadda ya think I'm stupid? ) I have been super careful not to tell a soul about it.

I guess it just boils down to Murphy's law, Karma, or Kismet, or whatever the fuck sort of court jester influence in the universe has decided to try to dissuade me from taking the job and put doubts in me. Its actually funny when I really think about it. I've been standing still for a long time, almost paralyzed from taking action because I was waiting for things to happen.

Well, No More... I'm not waiting anymore, I'm grabbing the god damned bull by the horns.

I'm going to TEXAS , Y'all....