Realizations and Revelations

My teammate had a bbq/pool party on Sunday and invited me to it. At first I really didn't want to go. I didn't know any of the people all that well, and I had to work before it started. I was planning on bowing out of it and just going home to my apartment.

And then something interesting happened....

I don't really buy into horoscopes and the advice they give. 99% of the time it's just some obscure nonsense that doesn't even apply to me. Then I looked at mine... It told me not to "bow out of a social event, that is sure to be very fulfilling" I sort of scratched my head and thought, What the Hell, I'll go.

Besides my teammate is a good friend, and I really didn't want to offend him by not showing up. He was nice enough to invite me, no showing and making up some excuse would be rude. So I went.

It was actually a really good time. And he really needed my help with a few things. The poor guy wasn't prepped at all and was expecting about 15-20 people for a bbq. So, I stepped in and took over the kitchen and grill duties. It was the least I could do for him. He was running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and stressing over all of the little details. We both focused on our tasks and before we knew it everything was done and his guests started to arrive. A good time was had by all.

And my special savory hamburger recipe was well received if I do say so myself. It's amazing what lipton's onion soup mix, Lea and Perrins, black pepper and an egg will do when mixed with ground sirloin. Ahem..

I had a couple of drinks and mingled with some folks I had never met. The conversations were pretty interesting. There were people from a lot of different backgrounds. Peace corps, teaching, real estate, etc.. I stayed for a few hours and then headed home.

When I got back to the apartment I was exhausted, but I felt really good about having gone. I realized that I'm not an island unto myself regardless of what I might think. I mean, ever since I ended my relationship with Kim almost a year and a half ago I've sequestered myself away in my apartment like some sort of hermit. My interaction with other people has been very, very limited.

The ending of that relationship really broke my heart into a million pieces in ways I never cared to admit. Hell, I did everything I could to bury the pain and remorse in a far away place inside me. I didn't want to really look at it deal with it.

So I just hid out inside not only my apartment, but also inside myself. I was safe being alone. No one else's actions could hurt me. Rather than risk pain, I simply accepted loneliness. It seemed like a better trade.

But It wasn't...... And then I realized that it extended farther back in my past than breaking up with Kim, that was just the trigger. It went back to 2004. That was the year everything fell apart in my life. And I mean everything.... I ruined the career path I was on, my marriage ended, I had to sell my house, and I became utterly alone.. Completely and utterly alone.....

My whole world that I had known essentially ended. I was like a man adrift at sea. I'll never forget the day I and had to go to court for the divorce proceedings. It was October 11th 2004. The whole procedure took less than 5 minutes and I was divorced. I remember how surreal it was when I walked out of the Ft Lauderdale courthouse and crossed the street to get to my car. I don't even remember the drive home. I was numb. I remember falling apart when I got back to the apartment I was living in.

Everything was gone.. And I was left standing there trying to pick up the pieces. Struggling to make any sense of my life, and what had just happened to it. I became really depressed and just shut myself off from everything but work and the gym.

I got involved in a stupid cross country romance that only made things worse when it fell apart. It made what little self worth I had vanish. I vanished from public sight for a while, stopped working out, and just slept and drank all the time. I had no desire to go out. I had zero motivation to do anything but drain vodka bottles as a hobby and chain smoke while watching sad movies.

The pattern just kept repeating itself. But something happened yesterday. I saw myself from the outside looking in. It was as if I was sort of outside my own life looking at it as someone else. I realized something....

Nothing is going to change me other than myself... Only I can make a change within myself. As much as I'd like them to be able to, no external source is able to. No job, no Degrees, no amount of money, or person can do it. Just me.

Sure things, and people can be glorious distractions from the real issues inside me. But I don't want that. All the distractions just keep the loop going on and on and on. Like a carousel that I ride over and over. I'm thoroughly sick of the ride. I'm getting off of it.

So, it's time..... The last 4 years are gone and I can't get them back. They only exist in memory. But the next 40 years hold real possibility for happiness.

I've wasted enough time. Things are going to happen, good things. Because I want to change. I need to change.

Therefore, I'm changing things. I'm throwing out the old rule book and writing a new one because I just realized that I actually can. I'm going to start being more social. I'm going to take better care of my body instead of treating it like a garbage can. I'm going to get more in touch with my spiritual side. I'm going to walk away from negativity, and negative people. I'm going to change how I look, and how I feel about myself.

Because I can.