Finally a little break.
Well, I finished my last final exam about an hour and a half ago. I feel good about it, even though it was a 5 essay question final that we couldn't use the book with. I had my marketing final last night and smoked that puppy. I earned a 100 on it, and also on my second research paper. I'm happy with the effort I made in these two classes this semester.
It feels good to achieve something again. My life for the last 4 and a half years has been sorely lacking in anything even remotely resembling achievement. Its been rather empty, and drab. This has been a shot in the arm for me. I needed it. It shows me that I'm still capable of good things.
To be honest, I wondered after things ended with Kim almost 2 years ago, if that was the end of the line for me. I felt dried up inside intellectually. Like a barren, dusty place where nothing grew anymore. An emotional Sahara....
I gave up. I knew how to survive, but that was all I knew. There was no hope at all. None. I'm not sure if you know what that feels like, but I can tell you that hopelessness in one of the most painful things you can ever in your life experience. It makes you look over the edge of that high place and not care if you slipped and fell off. In fact there was a small part of me that wanted to perish ans just slip over that edge. I won't deny that.
And then, that survival instinct that has been so deeply ingrained in me came alive. And a lot of it had to do with this little blog. Believe it or not. I was sitting typing my inner thoughts and experiences on this page for all the world to see and I started to see a commonality in all of us that I've come to know over the years of blogging. It is about each of our individual struggles, and personal demons that make us great in the end.
It took a while to wrap my mind around it. But it overwhelmed me when I did. No one has it easy in this life. Not even the rich. In fact they have it the worst of all. When you can buy anything you have ever desired and you still aren't happy you are truly screwed. At least the person who has little can justifiably blame a little of it on lack, but even then it is an internal issue when it all boils down to it.
But I digress.. I'm not exactly sure where I was going with that...
Either way, I'm glad to have a break from school, even if its only for a couple of weeks to clear my head. I've needed it.
It feels good to achieve something again. My life for the last 4 and a half years has been sorely lacking in anything even remotely resembling achievement. Its been rather empty, and drab. This has been a shot in the arm for me. I needed it. It shows me that I'm still capable of good things.
To be honest, I wondered after things ended with Kim almost 2 years ago, if that was the end of the line for me. I felt dried up inside intellectually. Like a barren, dusty place where nothing grew anymore. An emotional Sahara....
I gave up. I knew how to survive, but that was all I knew. There was no hope at all. None. I'm not sure if you know what that feels like, but I can tell you that hopelessness in one of the most painful things you can ever in your life experience. It makes you look over the edge of that high place and not care if you slipped and fell off. In fact there was a small part of me that wanted to perish ans just slip over that edge. I won't deny that.
And then, that survival instinct that has been so deeply ingrained in me came alive. And a lot of it had to do with this little blog. Believe it or not. I was sitting typing my inner thoughts and experiences on this page for all the world to see and I started to see a commonality in all of us that I've come to know over the years of blogging. It is about each of our individual struggles, and personal demons that make us great in the end.
It took a while to wrap my mind around it. But it overwhelmed me when I did. No one has it easy in this life. Not even the rich. In fact they have it the worst of all. When you can buy anything you have ever desired and you still aren't happy you are truly screwed. At least the person who has little can justifiably blame a little of it on lack, but even then it is an internal issue when it all boils down to it.
But I digress.. I'm not exactly sure where I was going with that...
Either way, I'm glad to have a break from school, even if its only for a couple of weeks to clear my head. I've needed it.
Comments
I hope you make the most of your break and are able to relax and enjoy your time off. You need that and deserve it.
Be well, Windy