I feel like a chapter is closing...

The events of the last week or so have really made me look inside myself, and all around me.

Like the title of this post says, I feel like a chapter of my life is closing. And while it is a good thing, I can't help but be a bit sad about it. So much has, and hasn't happened since I moved into my little apartment almost 3 years ago. It feels like yesterday, and a million years ago at the same time if you can understand that.

I remember when I found it. Kim and I were together and in one of the happiest parts of our relationship. I was ecstatic to have found a place so close to her, and in such a secluded spot. When I left for my morning shifts at 0430 I used to see tree foxes, and raccoons out foraging. It was peaceful and quiet. It was to me, an oasis of tranquility. Almost like a little secret place that no one knew was there. For a brief period of time I was content and happy.

Then things changed.....

The relationship took a turn for the worse. We began fighting over petty and not so petty things. It became uncomfortable between us. Her mother did her damnedest to harm our relationship. And Kim allowed her to, rather than standing up to her and doing the right thing. She became that same little girl cowering from her mother's wrath that she had always been. And it was the beginning of the end for us.

Around that time they cut down the forest that shielded the apartments. They bladed every tree to the ground in the name of commerce, and began constructing yet another monstrosity. Ironically it was "Whole Foods Plaza". What a fucking joke.. The gentle little foxes, and comical raccoons I used to get up early to watch vanished without a trace, never to be seen again. No longer was it a quaint jewel of an apartment nestled out of sight of the rest of the world. It felt like every other god damned box I've ever lived in. Just a place to sleep, eat, shit, shower, and get drunk. The magic that had drawn me to it had disappeared.

So had the magic in my relationship with Kim.

Little fights turned into big ones. We went weeks without seeing each other. Eventually, it all came to a head the week my parents came to visit. They had rented a house in the Keys for a week and she and I were supposed to stay with them. It was to be a great time where we could laugh, have adventures in my boat, and just be happy. Instead she backed out at the last minute saying she couldn't get anyone to take care of the animals ( 2 dogs and 3 cats ) which infuriated me. Her mother had traditionally watched her pets, but because I posed a threat to her of taking her daughter away to Texas, she refused to do it. Granted, Kim was just as responsible for it. She could have simply put them in a kennel, but she didn't. She caved in, and delivered the fatal blow to what was left of us.

My mom and dad were very upset and hurt that she had declined to come to the Keys with us. Never in my life had my family loved anyone that I had dated as much as Kim. Even my brother and his wife both pulled me aside and told me: "Don't lose her.. She is the perfect one for you.." . I agonized about what I should do for days. I have never been so torn over an issue in all my life.

But, no matter what I felt in my heart, I knew in my head what had to be done. She would never stand up to her mother in my defense. She didn't have it in her. And I swore after my divorce that I would never, ever, allow myself to be second place in someones life ever again. Not to Momma, or Daddy, or friends, or God for that matter, as was the case with my ex-wife.
So, I ended the relationship a few days before mom and dad arrived. I put on my best "happy face", but I was miserable inside.

The week, and my parents visit came and went and I fell into a deep depression. I was a roiling, churning ocean of regret and sadness. All I did was go to work, sleep, and empty endless bottles of vodka for months. I gave up any hope I had left.

We tried to do the "friend" thing.. What a joke that was. It was no different than tearing open a deep wound that had just started to mend. I was bleeding to death inside every time we spoke. She flaked out on me again and I eliminated all contact with her. I just couldn't do it anymore.

My emotions were like nitroglycerin for months. I was shock sensitive. Tears would flow from my eyes without ceasing almost daily. I would sit in my dark little apartment and stare at my computer screen, not wanting any human contact at all. I wanted to be alone for the rest of my life. I hated everything. The only reason I even went to work was for money, otherwise I would have quit in a heartbeat. Drink, sleep, work, repeat... Day in and day out.. Over and over.. I honestly thought that was all there was left for me.

And then the cruelest joke of all was last fall when I was closer than I've ever been to getting home. I had been offered a job 15 miles from my parents house. It was like a dream come true. My salvation had arrived. Until the day I called the contact I was going to be working for and he told me there was a hiring freeze.... I patiently waited, praying the prayer of the desperate. Wishing and hoping for a phone call. Months past and eventually the phone rang, only it was my father telling me that the company had gone out of business overnight.

Something snapped inside of me then.

I saw things with a clarity I never had before. It was then that I realized that no God, or person was going to get me the fuck out of this dead end job, in this rotten town... There was no magic wand to wave, or winning lottery ticket to cure me from this curse. Pray hard my ass. I'd had enough of religious fairy tales, and Pollyanna pulpit bullshit. There was only one mean, angry, ready to split-some-wigs up in this motherfucker, Texan who was going to get me out of here:

ME!

So, I rolled up my sleeves and got back in school. Education is the only way out of here. It was rough at first, I can't lie about that. Its a HUGE sacrifice of time and effort, but I'm almost there. I'll graduate this summer, and immediately go into a masters program. But the school has done more for me that just increase my knowledge. Its given me hope. Because I know that it will be my vehicle out of here and into a better life. It can never be taken away from me. It's mine forever.

And now its time to move out of that apartment that has known so much sorrow and despair. Its time has past. My sentence in the heartbreak hotel has been completed. There is a new year ahead of me and I want to spend it with a smile on my face. I deserve to. I hope whomever moves into here after I leave has a better time here than I did.

Will I have a better year?

Who knows.... But I think that moving out of the apartment and in with Wayne is a good thing. There's too much negative energy where I am now. Too many bad things happened to me while I lived there and I believe that energy can hang around spaces almost like ghosts. I'm sick of being haunted there. The walls, and sounds, and smells hold me in place emotionally. I have to break free. I have to move on. I;ll shut the door to this place the final time just as if I'm closing the door to a mausoleum.

So I bid farewell to this chapter of my life. I can't say its been a pleasure because that would be a lie. In fact it has been one of the worst periods of my life, save 2004 when I went though my divorce. I don't ever want to go through that stuff again. So, I'll just turn the page and start the next one.

And NO, this all has NOT been a blessing in disguise so don't even try to call it that. It has been a rotten time. But hopefully all that is over with and I can start living my life again. Whatever sins I committed I've more than paid for here.

It's time to fish the salt water with my best friend, get back into the everglades.. Its time to treat myself right, smile more, and go with the flow. It's time to get back in shape, and like myself again.

Its time.....

I digress.