Midnight Ramble
Man, it's been a long assed week this week! School has really been kicking me in the ass with lots of assignments, a midterm in economics, and getting ready to write a couple of research papers. But, it's my only way out of this place and I just have to get it done.
I'm not sure what's up with me these days. I've been on a real introspective burn lately. And for the life of me I can't figure out just why that is. It's just weird. I've found myself visiting some old ghosts, and memories that I haven't thought about for a while. It's like I'm performing some form of emotional archaeology. I guess I've sort of been waxing nostalgic for the "old days" of just a few years ago, while at the same time staring in to a not so certain future.
I guess I'm just missing having some permanence in my life. I'm tired of always being in a transitional phase, always waiting for "someday", or maybes. I'm tired of all this south florida bullshit. I'm ready to move back home, plant my flag, buy a house, get a dog, and maybe if I'm lucky find love again.
I realized the other day that it's been a year and a half since I've had sex. Man, if this keeps up for much longer I might as well become a Buddist Monk or something. To be totally honest the idea of the act of having sex is appealing, but I don't want to go through all the hassles and game playing that lead up to the actual act. I'm just not in the mood for it. Hell, I don't think I could handle it. I've really turned into a very solitary creature. It's quite odd. I see the guys I work with playing the "mating game", pursuing women and it just holds no appeal to me at all. I'm not sure how long this stage will last in my life, but it sure is an odd one to have been in for so long.
My teammate just can't fathom why I haven't "gotten back in the Game". I explained to him that a "Game" is precisely the last thing I want to be playing. I'm not sure if it's me becoming an old foggie at 37, or just maturing but I just don't see casual sex as all that appealing anymore. I'd just as soon be alone and celibate than to be out in the clubs and the bars trying to "hook up". I did my fair share of that in my 20's and I consider myself very lucky to have gotten out of that era sans any little Windriders, HIV, or any of the other lovely venereal diseases floating around out there. And, I guess than underneath it all, when the time comes that I am with someone again I want it to be more than just cheap sex.
But enough of all that sappy bullshit...
I decided not to entertain the idea of getting a place with my teammate. I really don't think any good will come of it in the long run. He's got drama going on with his 79 year old mother and I really don't need him flaking out and breaking a lease on me. (which would be a real possibility.) And when I added up the costs involved it was in the THOUSANDS. 900 for movers, first last and security deposit, utilities deposit, cable tv and Internet hook up costs, and I just flat out don't want to go through the disruption of having to pack up all my stuff and move it. SO, in my apartment I will stay. I just have to follow my gut instinct on this one. Besides, I really don't think I'd enjoy having someone else in my space.
Well, I better wrap this up.. My relief should be getting here in the next 25 minutes or so. I have another Midnight shift tonight and depending of whether I get my homework done I'll try to post some more.
I'm not sure what's up with me these days. I've been on a real introspective burn lately. And for the life of me I can't figure out just why that is. It's just weird. I've found myself visiting some old ghosts, and memories that I haven't thought about for a while. It's like I'm performing some form of emotional archaeology. I guess I've sort of been waxing nostalgic for the "old days" of just a few years ago, while at the same time staring in to a not so certain future.
I guess I'm just missing having some permanence in my life. I'm tired of always being in a transitional phase, always waiting for "someday", or maybes. I'm tired of all this south florida bullshit. I'm ready to move back home, plant my flag, buy a house, get a dog, and maybe if I'm lucky find love again.
I realized the other day that it's been a year and a half since I've had sex. Man, if this keeps up for much longer I might as well become a Buddist Monk or something. To be totally honest the idea of the act of having sex is appealing, but I don't want to go through all the hassles and game playing that lead up to the actual act. I'm just not in the mood for it. Hell, I don't think I could handle it. I've really turned into a very solitary creature. It's quite odd. I see the guys I work with playing the "mating game", pursuing women and it just holds no appeal to me at all. I'm not sure how long this stage will last in my life, but it sure is an odd one to have been in for so long.
My teammate just can't fathom why I haven't "gotten back in the Game". I explained to him that a "Game" is precisely the last thing I want to be playing. I'm not sure if it's me becoming an old foggie at 37, or just maturing but I just don't see casual sex as all that appealing anymore. I'd just as soon be alone and celibate than to be out in the clubs and the bars trying to "hook up". I did my fair share of that in my 20's and I consider myself very lucky to have gotten out of that era sans any little Windriders, HIV, or any of the other lovely venereal diseases floating around out there. And, I guess than underneath it all, when the time comes that I am with someone again I want it to be more than just cheap sex.
But enough of all that sappy bullshit...
I decided not to entertain the idea of getting a place with my teammate. I really don't think any good will come of it in the long run. He's got drama going on with his 79 year old mother and I really don't need him flaking out and breaking a lease on me. (which would be a real possibility.) And when I added up the costs involved it was in the THOUSANDS. 900 for movers, first last and security deposit, utilities deposit, cable tv and Internet hook up costs, and I just flat out don't want to go through the disruption of having to pack up all my stuff and move it. SO, in my apartment I will stay. I just have to follow my gut instinct on this one. Besides, I really don't think I'd enjoy having someone else in my space.
Well, I better wrap this up.. My relief should be getting here in the next 25 minutes or so. I have another Midnight shift tonight and depending of whether I get my homework done I'll try to post some more.
Comments
This year for you has been incredibly introspective thus far. I don't see that as a bad thing necessarily; at our age we seem to naturally want and long for pieces of our past, if only in the form of memories. For me, I suppose, it stems from a motivation or a desire to look back at everything that has created me as I am now and make peace with that.
Making peace. With our pasts. Isn't that the only way to be able to move forward?
Regarding your roommate choice, I agree. Good for you for examining all aspects INCLUDING financial; you are right in that you can't really "afford" to invest in someone else's emotional rollercoasters as well.
Princesita has Sports Camp for 4 mornings this week, from 8-1. So time to get her out; I have my student at 8 this morning. I'm ready for vacation.
Be well, Windy. Thanks for checking in with us.
And where we go is where we've been,
So home is just a word we know,
That space in time most apropos
For where we want to be again.
For even home, it seems to me,
Is still a choice we all must face
From day to day and endlessly,
To choose if home is going to be
Another road - or just a place.
It's yours to use whenever you wish.
I guess thats exactly what I'm trying to do, make peace with my past...
Yeah the roommate thing would have been a really bad idea for a lot of reasons. I learned a long time ago that staying put is a capital idea when doubts exist.
Wow Leah! Thats really beautiful! I hope you are doing well, and staying out of trouble?