Singlehood..

I've been pondering my current status for the last few weeks, and have come to a few conclusions. I can't really say that I like what I see in myself, but its who i am and how I'm wired when it comes to relationships.

You see, I've really only been "head over heels" in love one time in my life. I'm talking true take your breath away, surrender everything in your heart and soul kind of love.

In all the rest of my significant relationships I have been guarded. I loved them, but there was that inner chamber of my heart that i could never really let them into. I wanted to at times, but something just flat out prevented it from happening. I guess its simply a really Strong self protection measure after being really hurt a few times. I don't really know. Its a shitty thing to experience, trust me.

This includes my ex-wife. I just really wasn't deeply in love with her. When we divorced I mourned the loss of my pets, the lifestyle I had, and the career I ruined. But, I didn't mourn the loss of her.. Not at all.

I've realized that by and large I'm a friends with benefits kind of guy. Meaning, I'm not really great boyfriend/significant other material unless you want a super stellar 2-3 month relationship and then move along. I need space sometimes, and the flexibility to do as I please. If we can be friends that have smokin' hot sexual relations and don't get all wrapped up in the "relationship net" I'm your man. Been drinking and need to come over because you have a raging case of the hornies? Hell, stop on by!! Want to just let your hair down and let the ol' freak flag fly and do things that will make you blush years later when you think of them? C'mon over!! I'll leave the light on for ya..

Straight up sexual relationships with a sprinkle of affection in them have always been the most satisfying ones for me. I know its because they're like well oiled revolving doors that I can go in and out of at will ( no pun intended ) and they're emotionally safe for the most part. Granted, they don't last forever by a long shot. Inevitably, deeper feelings surface, along with possessiveness and jealousy and end them.

These arrangements were far easier to find when I was younger. Hell, most women I've run into close to my age are divorced with either heavy baggage or children. If not, they're the ones that want to move in with you after the second date.

They are the worst kind of all: The Big Fat Liar. The BFL is especially dangerous to get involved with. These are the ones that really have ideas of finding a husband, but figure they can change the rules of the game in mid-play after being told very clearly that I'm not looking for a girlfriend/wife/surrogate mother, but only for a casual fling. Oy!

Who knows, maybe "the One" may come along. But, I'm not holding my breath. Most of that notion seems to be an idea people sell themselves to avoid pain. Hope springs eternal, right?

For now, I'm not even looking. I need to focus on me for now, haul myself into the gym, get back into school, etc.....

But a booty call would really hit the spot right now, indeed...