I just needed to type something....
I swear returning to this place is like opening up a long forgotten warehouse of dusty memories long since boxed, and taped, and stacked away.
Whatever...
I just needed to type right now. To spill out all of the emotions inside me. Just release it.
Today has been pretty awful. Really awful...
I was betrayed by someone I've worked side by side with for a number of years. How, is really irrelevant. The only relevant thing is that it happened at all. It took me completely by surprise. I had zero clue that it was coming.
It was the most self centered, selfish, cowardly thing I could imagine. But, it was like the fundamental core of all betrayals. Someone you have trusted for a very long time places you in harm's way for their personal gain. After all, isn't that how every one of them truly pan out?
What hurt the most was the fact that this person couldn't even tell the truth as to why they did what they did. Rather than taking ownership of the decision, flimsy excuses and justifications were made that only served to make me shake my head in angry disbelief. No accountability was assumed. Just a thin veil of preposterous justifications so transparent and selfish that eye contact couldn't be made as this "friend" recited them.
I wont lie.. It truly hurt me deep inside. All of the trust, and confidence I had in this person shattered in an instant. In a split second I saw just what my friendship was worth to this person.. Nothing... It was all just a charade, or at the very least the truth finally coming out.
I really don't know how to act around this person now. At all... I still have to work with them. And to top it all off we go to the same University and attend the same classes. Part of me wants to open a dialogue but I know that it will be pointless. All I'll get is another layer of excuses, alibis, and other transparent crap. And I also think that the only purpose it will serve will be to make them feel better, which I could give a shit about to be completely honest about it. Nothing they could say will make it better or take away the fact that their greedy act of selfishness screwed me royally.
Whats done is done. Now they, and especially I have to deal with what will come about as a result of it. I sure hope it was truly worth it for them, because they cashed in any present and future possibilities of true friendship they had with me.
I also have another matter that is weighing heavily on me tonight... Very heavily..
Tuesday, my Mother called me around 5 pm.
I immediately knew something was wrong. I call her. She never calls me. At least not unless it is something important ( and often bad ). When I heard the overly-cheery tone she had I sensed something was going on but let her talk and just say whatever it was in due time. After talking about family, my nephew,etc she starts with, "Well, I need to tell you about something because I think you should know about it.. But, its nothing to be concerned about.."
Oh Boy...
The long and short of it is that her doctor detected a spot in her right breast on her mammogram. They are performing a needle biopsy tomorrow afternoon at 1:30. While she is keeping up a brave front, after speaking to her tonight I can tell that she is really worried about it. I can't blame her in the least. If my doctor told me I had a lump/spot in one of my testicles I'd be pretty worried too.
While its not a lump and just a small dark spot, her family history raises a real cause to investigate it thoroughly. Her mother developed breast cancer in her later years and had to have a double mastectomy. I also believe that other members have had cancer as well.
I could tell she was having some anxiety tonight. Apparently my Father, venting his own fear and stress over the situation threw a hissy fit after under cooking dinner tonight. This is of course his "stoic" way of dealing with the worry and fear rather than vocalizing it which is how he's been my entire life. Needless to say she was angry with him for acting that way rather than communicating with her. She's scared, and I'm sure wants nothing more than for him to hug her and tell her that it will all be OK. And I wish he would too. Unfortunately, that isn't his way of showing concern. Sigh..
I did my best to soothe her mind, but there is only so much I can do over the phone from a thousand miles away. I wish I could be there. But, right now I can't be. All I could do was listen to her and tell her I loved her. I tried to be as calming as I could, hoping that she would feel a little better. But until she knows what the situation really is she'll probably be on pins and needles..
All of the turmoil of today has just spun me up like jet engine to put it mildly. My stomach is in knots and I doubt I'll sleep tonight. So much so that I called in sick for tomorrow morning. I just flat out did not want to have to go in and deal with my personal Judas for 8 hours with all this on my mind. I was afraid I would snap and completely go off. Its far better to just keep some distance for the next few days until the edge dulls a bit.
Enough of this... I need to go do something mindless.
Whatever...
I just needed to type right now. To spill out all of the emotions inside me. Just release it.
Today has been pretty awful. Really awful...
I was betrayed by someone I've worked side by side with for a number of years. How, is really irrelevant. The only relevant thing is that it happened at all. It took me completely by surprise. I had zero clue that it was coming.
It was the most self centered, selfish, cowardly thing I could imagine. But, it was like the fundamental core of all betrayals. Someone you have trusted for a very long time places you in harm's way for their personal gain. After all, isn't that how every one of them truly pan out?
What hurt the most was the fact that this person couldn't even tell the truth as to why they did what they did. Rather than taking ownership of the decision, flimsy excuses and justifications were made that only served to make me shake my head in angry disbelief. No accountability was assumed. Just a thin veil of preposterous justifications so transparent and selfish that eye contact couldn't be made as this "friend" recited them.
I wont lie.. It truly hurt me deep inside. All of the trust, and confidence I had in this person shattered in an instant. In a split second I saw just what my friendship was worth to this person.. Nothing... It was all just a charade, or at the very least the truth finally coming out.
I really don't know how to act around this person now. At all... I still have to work with them. And to top it all off we go to the same University and attend the same classes. Part of me wants to open a dialogue but I know that it will be pointless. All I'll get is another layer of excuses, alibis, and other transparent crap. And I also think that the only purpose it will serve will be to make them feel better, which I could give a shit about to be completely honest about it. Nothing they could say will make it better or take away the fact that their greedy act of selfishness screwed me royally.
Whats done is done. Now they, and especially I have to deal with what will come about as a result of it. I sure hope it was truly worth it for them, because they cashed in any present and future possibilities of true friendship they had with me.
I also have another matter that is weighing heavily on me tonight... Very heavily..
Tuesday, my Mother called me around 5 pm.
I immediately knew something was wrong. I call her. She never calls me. At least not unless it is something important ( and often bad ). When I heard the overly-cheery tone she had I sensed something was going on but let her talk and just say whatever it was in due time. After talking about family, my nephew,etc she starts with, "Well, I need to tell you about something because I think you should know about it.. But, its nothing to be concerned about.."
Oh Boy...
The long and short of it is that her doctor detected a spot in her right breast on her mammogram. They are performing a needle biopsy tomorrow afternoon at 1:30. While she is keeping up a brave front, after speaking to her tonight I can tell that she is really worried about it. I can't blame her in the least. If my doctor told me I had a lump/spot in one of my testicles I'd be pretty worried too.
While its not a lump and just a small dark spot, her family history raises a real cause to investigate it thoroughly. Her mother developed breast cancer in her later years and had to have a double mastectomy. I also believe that other members have had cancer as well.
I could tell she was having some anxiety tonight. Apparently my Father, venting his own fear and stress over the situation threw a hissy fit after under cooking dinner tonight. This is of course his "stoic" way of dealing with the worry and fear rather than vocalizing it which is how he's been my entire life. Needless to say she was angry with him for acting that way rather than communicating with her. She's scared, and I'm sure wants nothing more than for him to hug her and tell her that it will all be OK. And I wish he would too. Unfortunately, that isn't his way of showing concern. Sigh..
I did my best to soothe her mind, but there is only so much I can do over the phone from a thousand miles away. I wish I could be there. But, right now I can't be. All I could do was listen to her and tell her I loved her. I tried to be as calming as I could, hoping that she would feel a little better. But until she knows what the situation really is she'll probably be on pins and needles..
All of the turmoil of today has just spun me up like jet engine to put it mildly. My stomach is in knots and I doubt I'll sleep tonight. So much so that I called in sick for tomorrow morning. I just flat out did not want to have to go in and deal with my personal Judas for 8 hours with all this on my mind. I was afraid I would snap and completely go off. Its far better to just keep some distance for the next few days until the edge dulls a bit.
Enough of this... I need to go do something mindless.
Comments