Midnight Windrider...

Man, this blog reminds my of a tomb in a way. So many old bones in here, memories and emotions that have been committed to the digital page. Years of my life, not so well written exist here in the static, timeless existence of the Internet and it's vast spaces.

I'm sitting here drinking a martini and listening to the hum of the ceiling fan above me as I sit here and unwind after a long day in the same job I've had for almost 10 years. But, I'm sort of better with my life than when I started this old blog.

And in some ways worse....

I've come to enjoy my alone time. Solitude had become my primary companion over the last couple of years. I sort of exist with my thoughts, and exist within myself having dialogue with only my own psyche. It's an odd thing. But I've also realized that this isn't necessarily a good thing all of the time.

It makes you odd, and awkward.. You lose your social graces and skills after prolonged periods of isolation. Not always a good thing. In fact it can lead to you staying away from social interaction and becoming even more awkward. So, I make sure I get out at least a couple of times a week even if its just for a beer and a smile at the little watering hole up the road.

I need that interaction with others. We all do. One of the most poignant examples of this is the creation of another entity to interact with by Tom Hanks character in the movie "Cast Away". "Wilson" was the manifestation of Hanks characters need for social and verbal interaction with a surrogate human being to maintain his own mental health. It was a brilliant example of what we as human beings do to survive.

School has been a Godsend for this interaction. Presentations, papers, and class discussions provide an easy way to keep intellectually stimulated and around other people. It is actually a lot of fun, especially in the group setting. Granted my type A personality comes out in these settings. But its been good for me to experience this as it has taught me to sit back and let others take charge. ( something I've struggled with for a long time.)

But, I'm lonely.....

I've been without physical contact for 3 years. You read that right... No hand holding, sex, kissing, or simply have a head on my shoulder in 3 years. Its a long, long time to go without. But, it has been a cleansing experience. I learned more about myself and who I truly am being celibate that I ever did in all those years of being a white Rick James. I've taken a good, hard look at my flaws and limitations, as well as my strengths and attributes. I've learned to act my age, stop messing with my hair color, and that I'm actually a grown man. And I still have a long way to go...

Why this self imposed exile you may ask? I've been dug in too deep, and moving too fast. That, and that my heart has been on the mend for that long because of the breakup with Kim. I shut down after our demise. I just wanted to be alone, and left alone. I needed to heal and learn some things about life. Things I had been putting off learning for a long time. I needed to mourn the loss of all the loves I've had that exist now only in the purgatory of memory. I needed to have an emotional funeral and bury those, long dead..

But, I need to get back in the game. But I've changed. I'm not the pimp/player I used to be. My heart has softened . I don't think I could do ( or would want to do, for that matter ) what I did 10 years ago. Time, or isolation has changed me..

I fear that I'm fragile. I wonder how much longer I even want to do the dating thing at all. I don't know just how many more heartbreaks I have left in me. But I will eventually get back out there again. To what end I have no clue, but I will.