The Midnight Rodeo..

Well, the vacation went well. If there were an award for laziness I'm quite certain I'd be a dead ringer for it. I ate, I slept, I fished.. I also got sunburned, hungover, and most likely insured a potato famine in Russia due to the copious amounts of vodka I consumed. Whew.

The trip to the keys was good. I only caught 2 fish all day ( a gaff catfish, and a goliath grouper ) But it was nice all the same. I saw a few manatees, lots of pink spoonbills, and loads of tarpon that simply werent interested in the mullet I was trying to hook them with. Oh well.. I guess thats why they call it fishing and not catching.

Work is the absolute same as it always is, chock full o' drama. I really couldn't care less though, I'm practicing letting it just roll off me. I realized that its up to me to not allow other people dictate my moods. My coworkers are rather startled by this, as in the past I would participate in the office shenanigans. No more. I just cant be bothered with any of it. I mean, these people aren't related to me and I don't owe them anything whatsoever. Its actually quite refreshing every time I simply shrug my shoulders and blow off the latest nonesense brewing in the office. When my closest coworker "J" asked me about the change in me I simply told him it was a matter of "Energy Conservation." He didn't get it at all so I explained :

"We only have so much energy during any given day, wasting it on negativity, and gossip, and getting all spun up over other peoples childish behavior is just using it up on nonsense. So, I'd rather conserve that energy for positive, or constructive things. Besides, I don't like having my emotions controlled by others. Alot of these people are energy vampires, and if you give them the opportunity they'll suck every last grain of positive energy out of you."

And I really believe it too. Misery loves company, and miserable people will make it their mission to pull you down into their emotional cesspool. If they aren't happy, they sure as hell don't want you to be that way and thus create drama and stress. If you play their little game they pull all the joy and happiness out of you and use it for themselves.

Screw that... I'm not having it anymore. I'm not sure why the shift in me occured but I'm glad it did. I guess I'm just all about the peace and love these days.

Maybe just like a toddler having a tantrum I wore myself out being angry ALL the time. Shit, I've pretty much been full of rage, bitterness and anger since about 6 months before my divorce in 2004. Basically, my entire world completely, and utterly fell apart right before my own eyes...

really..

I lost my house, my pets,wrecked my career and took a 35,000 paycut in one day, my wife was cheating on me and stealing money, and my health was in the toilet.

To this day, I have no idea why I never had a nervous breakdown, or gave myself a 350 grain, semi jacketed frontal lobotomy..

I just didn't..

I really think that anger, rage, and fury were the only things holding me together. That, and oceans of beer and vodka. God, I was teetering on the edge for a while. And to be 100% honest I didn't give a shit if I fell off of it. I think that really dark part of me wanted to in all honesty. I guess the only thing that really stopped me was the thought of hurting my family If I just said "fuck it" and just checked out. (I know thats what stopped me from joining the Army again and going to Iraq and getting a dose of the war, which I really wanted to do for a while.)

It's been a long and miserable fucking road out of the Valey of the Shadow of Death, let me tell ya. Lots of long nights, more than a few tears, some therapy, anti depressants (zoloft, thank you very much.) and learning to adjust to the way life is for me now.

Things have calmed... I'm looking toward the future rather than lamenting my ruined past...I have love in my life again, and who knows where that will take me. I can't help but wonder what the next few years have in store for me. Hopefully good things, I know I deserve them after the last few, but only time will tell.