July 2021

The year of 2021 is over half finished. Hard to believe. I've been here since last November, after almost 9 years of living in Denver. Those 9 years were some of the toughest in my life for many reasons. 

Perhaps some day I'll take the time to write it all down here, but I doubt it. All of the experiences are written about in journal volumes that I started keeping 4 years ago. So, I'm sure some snippets and stories will come out here but I won't set out to chronicle the whole thing on this blog. 

 I'm glad I never fully deleted this thing. It has a lot of history of my life. Some of it is almost cringeworthy when I read it. But I suppose it shows a bit of matuartion on my part. It makes me reflect and think about who I "was" then. All of the hopes, and dreams. The heartache, the foolishness, the outright stupidity. It's all right there. But, I own it. That was me, and this is me now. 

 Colorado was an emotional crime scene for many years of my life there. It had started as my very own Camelot. In a very real sense. A maiden fair, a kingdom that was all set to be a real paradise of "happily ever after". Unfortunately it completely fell apart. And by that I mean in an abrupt, violent, crazy manner. Almost like an explosion that I was watching from the inside. It really was one of the most difficult, gut wrenching times of my life. 

 And yet here I am... 

Sitting here in the air conditioning of a Texas apartment. Well over half way through my life for sure, and not caring one bit about that. Still wondering what to do with my life. 

Sure, I checked all the boxes: college, graduate school, etc. None of it amounted to a damn thing. 

None of it... 

Just hoops I jumped through. Quite well, actually. All the while thinking that it would fill the hole inside me. That nagging "void space" that can be felt behind the breastbone when the clock strikes a certain hour. The "imposter syndrome", and the overwhelming feeling that I've squandered this life and the opportunities in it. ( and there have been many, believe me.) 

 But, it doesn't haunt as bad as it used to. Because in the end? It makes zero difference. I say that not be cynical, but because I really feel that way. These lives of all of ours are temporary. And that is one "rule" that applies equally to everyone. (even if everyone who has a life isn't treated equally - ever) 

Maybe its just that I see the absolute folly of all of the "greed and grasping". The never ending see saw of "we're right, you're wrong", and the absolute circus that our global cultures have deteriorated into while white billionaires race each other to space at the expense of everything on earth.  It truly is the "Absurd" described by Albert Camus. 

Real life actually has become stranger than fiction in many ways for most of humanity. COVID, the economies, and the demand of equality for populations that have just had enough with being marginalized. Our species is attempting to evolve, but that evolution is being fought tooth and nail by those that will have to surrender control and power. The world is ripe for chaos, and the fruits of anarchy litter the "ground" all across the planet.

These are dangerous, yet exhilarating times. But, even now I'm unmoved by most of it. The changes of today are precariously shallow and shaky. Yet there is still beauty in the world. The bittersweet of life on Earth.