Learning to Say No...

I was asked today by someone I used to work with a couple of years ago how I was doing. For the first time in a long time I actually stopped and thought about it before I gave an answer. Normally, "I'm ok" is the auto-response I give without thinking.

I paused in thought for a minute and then responded with, "I'm holding my own." this person jokingly responded that I could get in trouble for doing that at work and we went our separate ways. Once I was settled in at my office I thought about why I chose those words for my reply.

I guess it was just a way to express the way I feel about my current state of mind. I'm holding MY own, not anyone elses. Thats up to them to do, not me.

See, I've sort of always been a people pleaser. I had a bad habit until just recently of putting someone else's happiness/needs in front of my own. It's still something I struggle with on occasion, especially in relationships, and friendships. It used to lead me to harbor alot of resenment and anger inside myself. I would put someone's needs or wants before mine and when they didn't do the same for I would be truly hurt. Then hurt would turn to silence, and bad feelings and eventually it damaged the relationship, sometimes fatally.

So, I had to learn to say no.. It was a hard thing to learn. Wanting acceptance from others pulls you very strongly towards giving into what people want from you. Its almost magnetic in its strength. And also makes you a magnet for needy personality types as well.

But, if you start putting someone elses needs/feelings/or happiness in front of your own you're neglecting yourself, plain and simple. Its no different than why they tell you in the safety briefings on airplanes to put YOUR oxygen mask on first and then assist others with theirs. Granted, I'm not saying to be a selfish, one sided bastard and never do anything selfless for others, but you need to make sure that you are in shape to help others. If you don't you are headed for disaster.

I'm focusing on ME right now. I can see alot of good things going on with how I treat myself. I've started finally unpacking boxes, and decorating my apartment. Its starting to look like a home, a warm comforting place I can rest and relax in.

Being alone all the time takes a bit of getting used to, and it can be lonely at times but its also cleansing emotionally. I'm focusing on finishing my eduation, and getting home to Texas and my parents.

I'm eating better, drinking less, and getting good sleep.

I go fishing in the everglades alone and just listen to the wind and water.

I'm speaking less, and seeing more of whats going on around me.

I'm learning how to center myself emotionally, and that less actually is more..

I'm trying to practice Buddhist Economics.. ( google it, it'll blow your mind..)

I'm holding my own............